thoughts of the week

  Writing this post makes me a little bit stinging inside and coincidently there is a Thai commercial Video   about social media obsessed girl has became a viral on the internet couple days ago, which somehow related to my story. However, My story is way less dramatic like the girl in commercial, yet still affected my life in a good way.

" Last night, I was confused if I should cut my hair again. It was always a hard time when It comes to my hair. I've changed hair style so many times. From original black to brown chestnut shade, then to very light, then to dark and now Ash blonde. From no bang to straight bang and then to no bang. From long to short, bob hair, and long back. They were all amazing changes and somehow, made me feel like a new person. But now is a little bit different, I have tried all those styles, all the colors, and I know what suits best for me, which means I'm kinda hesitated to change my hair now. I even made a promise to myself I wouldn't never dye hair again after dying back to brown hair from ash blonde. Anyway, so I opened the old folder photos of me back then, taking a look and I myself was even surprised how I've changed. This reminds me of one post, Which I never posted about the rumor that I got nose surgery. When I first heard the rumor, I couldn't believe they could thought of something like that. I felt both happy ( yes, I indeed was) and ridiculous at the same time. So I started a post talking how I've changed my appearance without asking for surgery ( However, if my mom allows me to fix my nose, then I'd love to Sighzzz). Mostly What I wrote were diseases I'm carrying and they were reason I lost 16-18 kg over the years, but then I realized It would be retarted and sounded like I was trying to be pitiful.  So I took the rumor as  compliment, but let's me tell you my story
( All photos without retouch, only makeup :))))) )

Me back then

Me before going study abroad.

When I started losing weights.

Me during the end of 2014

 Back to the times when I was in elementary to high school, I was always feel shy because of my appearance. And my self-esteem kept going down, lower and lower as I grown up. Although I did have social life with my friends and I was grateful to have such amazing family and sisters by my side, It was really hard for me to meet new people without thinking about their judgments towards my weight. During secondary school, I would hear something like a joke: " piggy T" or made fun of me when a girl in my class broke my leg and the teacher could carry her but when I broke they would be like: " There is no way he can carry her". I got used to it so that even one of the girls in my high school group wondering how could N ( one of my good friends) could be friend of me when She first met me because clearly she said N was beautiful to be friend with me. She assumed because I was rich to pay junk food for them  ( and that friend now turned to be a taker and backstabbed a lot of people). However, I tried to ignore those words and pretended those words didn't hurt me at all. I promised in my mind that I would change to different person, to show them that who would be the winner here, who was much better over them.

Me in the spring this year.

Going to study abroad helped me a lot to become who I am, to learn to love myself more, and to accept who I am no matter what people think about me. I'm still on my path to learn it. But this is another story.

After arriving to America, I gradually developed social media obsession, which I posted outfit photos to social media websites and hopefully to got more likes from it.  It started as a hobby and ended up with me being trapped in my whole fake world. The world is made of likes, comments, followers, which played as a mental reliever medication for me. I thought I had changed myself completely but deep down I knew I was just a loser. At some points, I got stressed out why my photos didn't get a lot of likes. My mood during the times swung back and forth between angry and depressed.

 2 years ago, I lost a lot of weights. Finally, It comes to the phase, which my appearance looked quite different from who I used to be - not like super different, but yet, still something. I started notice how people treated me differently, especially vnmese ones. I don't want to be racist here but I hate how asian cultures put pressures on your outside looks. I might sound really hard but it's real, I heard bad things people said to other girls, who don't look like their perfect ideas. There was one guy even commented how beautiful I was now, how he should hit on me in the beginning, chit n chat blah or a long time friend (acquaintance I would say), which I hadn't seen for 8 years!?, jumped to fb possibly after checking out my photos, messaged me how another friend and I were so beautiful now, not like her, who unfortunately didn't have that beauty, then concluded we must be happy now with our appearances. I finally reached to my old self-promise ( well, at least I thought I did) but looking at them only made me feel how naive I was, those comments didn't even make me happy, more like " OKay, i got it, thanks for your compliment, now get the h*ll out of my face". I needed to realize my appearance changed didn't mean all my relationships would change too. My family, my bf, my friends stay by side because of who I am - the inner soul, not the skin I'm wearing. Low self confidence and paying too much attentions to what people thought had blinded myself from good hearts, joyfulness,  inspirations,  my love for photography, and being Me. I'm grateful of how my appearance looked like in the past, If my appearance had been perfect, I wouldn't have learnt the lesson and would still have judged other person based on their outside."

"Be proud of what is given to you. there is always somebody who loves you for who you are."